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"Reducing corporate productivity for 5,067 days."
Thursday, 19 May, 2011
Big Box Abortion Clinic Opening In Topeka
Good news for Kansas: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex.
Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.
During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation's heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group's long-standing mission and values.
"Although we've traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood's new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred."
"And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it's going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."
Tuesday, 10 May, 2011
The End Of The New York Times
It looks like that paywall didn't work out: New York Times, World's Newspaper of Record, Closes its Doors Forever.
The global definer of news, the cultural arbiter of the civilized world, the defender of free speech, has as it were, kicked the bucket. It has croaked, snuffed it and flat-lined. This paper is, as it were, dead.
Right now, the building is on fire.
The New York Times building is currently on fire. While the building has been evacuated by the NYFD, several intrepid Times staffers, including this correspondent, have stayed inside to report on an historic event as it unfolds. The cause of the fire is unclear
The brazen torching of the New York Times headquarters by its soi-disant publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr, is a sordid attempt to wring a paltry few million more from the corpse of a once great newspaper. His shameless looting of company coffers as the paper spiraled into bankruptcy, gave new meaning to his nickname “Pinch”
But they left a lovely parting gift. A photo of Donald Trump without his toupee.
Conversation With A Dog
You've probably seen this already. If not, here it is:
Those clowns in DC screwed it up again: Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students.
According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.
Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."
"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."
John Boehner, in a tearful moment, sez:
"Once these kids learn to read and think critically, you can never undo that. In 20 years, we could be looking at a nightmare scenario in which vast segments of our populace are fully prepared to compete in the new global marketplace. It could take a whole generation to cancel out the effects of this."
Sunday, 08 May, 2011
Man On TV Says Hello
This TV announcer sends his greetings.
As you were.
Thursday, 05 May, 2011
Situation Room Photos
Here's the original situation room photo, which everyone has seen a hundred times:
Here's what it looked like after Joe Biden brought out the hats:
Today, the U.S. celebrates a national holiday, the National Day of Prayer.
Federal, state, and local government offices will be closed, as will banks and businesses owned by Christians. There will be no mail delivery, of course, and trash collection will be moved up one day.
Traditionally, National DOP is a time when Americans get up early, buy lottery tickets, and then pray that they bought a winning ticket.
Matt Robbins, community relations specialist for the Colorado lottery, says that National DOP is always the biggest sales of the year -- especially for scratchers. "People line up, buy their tickets, and then sit solemnly in their cars and pray before doing their scratching." Some pray in church, but Robbins claims that he sees more winners who pray in their car. "I don't know why that is," he said, "But it's very consistent, year after year."
Monday, 02 May, 2011
His Last Words
Osama bin Laden's final words before the bullet went through his head:
"I knew I shouldn't have gotten that iPhone!"
Note: This is an original joke ©2011, J-Walk. But I'm sure about 10,000 other people have thought of it too.
Reviewing The Compound
Today, a popular destination at Google Maps is Osama bin Laden's Compound.
And the reviews are starting to come in. For example:
Disappointed in the service. The only thing on the menu was goat flesh, and the place reeked of burning garbage.
Located in cozy, quiet neighborhood. Interrupted only occasionally by machine gun fire. Lacking in amenities, but an up and coming area. Handyman special. One satellite phone available with smoking bullet hole for comms back home. CIA helicoptors offering complimentary air lift service for corpses. Great property to get away from it all. Must See!
Great hideout would use again.
Sunday, 01 May, 2011
Dead Pope Beautified
A holy make-over: John Paul II beautified before 1.5 million faithful.
The late Pope John Paul moved a major step closer to becoming handsome on Sunday at a joyous ceremony that drew more than 1.5 million people, the largest crowd in Rome since his funeral six years ago.
"From now on Pope John Paul shall be called 'pretty good looking,'" Pope Benedict, wearing resplendent white and gold vestments, solemnly proclaimed in Latin. "Est quis pulcherrimos."
Here's how it went down:
Pope John Paul's coffin was exhumed on Friday from the crypts below St Peter's Basilica. When they opened it, workers discovered a horrid rotting corpse that barely looked human.
A team of licensed Vatican beauticians was called in to work on the corpse. Nearly eleven hours later, the dead pope had been transformed. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said Chief Beautician Simona Bonomo. "I wouldn't exactly call the guy beautiful, but we did our best with what we had to work with. He kind of resembles Art Linkletter now. We only worked on the head. Just don't lift up his dress!"
Some contend that beautifying the dead pope should qualify as the elusive "second miracle."
Wednesday, 27 April, 2011
The End Of World Nut Daily
This is pretty surprising: World Net Daily Shutting Down.
Joseph Farah announced today that his popular web site, World Net Daily, will be shutting down by the end of the week. "With the release of Obama's birth certificate, our work here is finished," he said. "We tried to stretch this out as long as we could, but that bastard Obama ruined everything."
When asked about his future plans, Farah touched his trademark moustache and gazed heavenward. "I don't know. I really don't know. My entire life was devoted to this topic, and now it's all over. I might hook up with Orly Taitz, and learn me some dentistry."
Pat Boone could not be reached for comment.
Tuesday, 26 April, 2011
He's serious about being president, and already had some posters made up.
Monday, 25 April, 2011
Mitt’s Big Problem
It could make him unelectable: Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People.
Though Mitt Romney is considered to be a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, the national spotlight has forced him to repeatedly confront a major skeleton in his political closet: that as governor of Massachusetts he once tried to help poor, uninsured sick people.
Romney, who signed the state's 2006 health care reform act, has said he "deeply regrets" giving people in poor physical and mental health the opportunity to seek medical attention, admitting that helping very sick people get better remains a dark cloud hovering over his political career, and his biggest obstacle to becoming president of the United States of America.
"Every day I am haunted by the fact that I gave impoverished Massachusetts citizens a chance to receive health care," Romney told reporters Wednesday.
He's trying to convince the American people that he's not really a bad guy, and he'd he has reformed:
According to Romney, if he could do things over again, he would do everything he could to make certain that uninsured individuals got sicker and sicker until they died. Promising his days of trying to provide medical coverage to the gravely ill are behind him, Romney said that if elected president, he would never even think about increasing anyone's quality of life or trying to lower the infant mortality rate.
Monday, 18 April, 2011
Tom McMahon figured it out: Why Liberals Are Always Grumpy.
Wednesday, 06 April, 2011
Tuesday, 05 April, 2011
Tree Needs Help
Made me laugh. Found at Bits & Pieces:
Monday, 04 April, 2011
This is certainly good news: The Onion Archive Project.
Bringing Historic Onion Print Content From 1988 - 1996 To TheOnion.com.
As we close the decade which opened a century that birthed a new millennium, we must always be looking back.
Celebrating the past—no, sanctifying it—is perhaps the single most quintessentially American undertaking. From Plymouth Rock to Valley Forge to Pearl Harbor, history shows one thing above all else has been held to be true true: No historical moment can be truly called great until those who remember it are no longer quite sure what they saw.
We held this thought firmly in mind when we began the Onion Archive Project. At the Onion, our journalistic responsibility is usually to the immediate. We tend to react in terms of "What just happened? Where did it happen? Who made it happen, and who did it happen to? And above all, why?"
Saturday, 02 April, 2011
I've never heard of Little Clifford, but I found a few photos at the Renfo Valley Barn Dance Profiles page.
Little Clifford - bless his heart - is shown here aboard the pony A'nt Idy bought for him with the proceeds derived from the sale of Uncle Juney's old jalopy. When travel was at a leisurely pace, Clifford rode the pony. When he was in a hurry, he carried it under his arm and made better time.
Here he is with A'nt Idy and Uncle Juney:
You can download some of their comedy recordings here" Digital Library of Appalachia.