If Her Body Were A Car

There's a blogger named Linda S Amstutz, who wrote a stupid little piece called "If My Body Were A Car."  It's one of those things that people email to everyone they know, and bloggers copy and paste it to their blog because they can't think of anything to write.

Apparently, Linda is not very happy with the fact that people are spreading her words around, and is sending out non-negotiable invoices.

She (or, rather, her "literary agent" Mary Taylor Smith) sends nasty letters to people demanding immediate payment of $750, significantly more than anyone would ever pay for such reprint rights -- using the fact that statutory copyright infringement violations have a $750/infringement starting point (which, we already know is ridiculous). Of course, Taylor Smith never seems to suggest that anyone might have a fair use exemption. She just sends the letter and an invoice demanding payment.

Her copyright crusade is an ongoing topic on her blog. For example: Grand Theft, Intellectual Property, Part 6.

If you're curious about that essay, you can search for it yourself -- but it's not worth the effort. It starts like this:

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking of trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and the paint job is getting a bit dull. But that's not the worst. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things close up.

Speaking of hypothetical cars. Many years ago I wrote an equally stupid thing: If Excel Were A Car. Go ahead and steal it. Please!

Virgin Mary As Bank

Demonstrating once again that there's a fine line between insanity and religious faith: $40,000 left at shrine - for safekeeping.

A woman quietly left $40,000 worth of rare U.S. coins near a Catholic shrine for safekeeping so the Virgin Mary could watch over her life savings while she was out of town, and apparently it worked: The money was returned to her when she got back a week later.

Operators of the National Shrine Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes near Emmitsburg [Maryland] thought they had been blessed when a groundskeeper found the two plastic freezer bags filled with gold and silver.

But Shrine Director William Tronolone said the woman approached him after a noon Mass on Sunday, six days after the discovery, to ask whether anyone had found some coins she had hidden beneath fallen leaves at the site on the campus of Mount St. Mary's University.

"I said, 'Why did you leave it there?' And she said, 'Well, I had to go away and I was afraid to leave it and I wanted the Blessed Mother to watch over it for me - and evidently she did because you found it,' " Tronolone said.

The photo shows some of the actual coins. These are not just random coins.

(Thanks Blayne)

Traveling With Food

TSA's annual holiday travel tip: Traveling With Food or Gifts.

Here's a list of liquid, aerosol and gel items that you should put in your checked bag, ship ahead, or leave at home.

Prohibited food items include:

• Cranberry sauce
• Creamy dips and spreads (cheeses, peanut butter, etc.)
• Gravy
• Salad dressing

It never occurred to me to take gravy on a plane. Now that they gave me the idea, they say I can't do it! I'll have to take the train instead.

By the way, pies and cakes are OK, but they are subject to additional screening.

Racist School Worksheet

In Pennsylvania: Mother says school work sheet is racist.

When she was helping her son with his homework Saturday night, a Central Bucks mother noticed something that surprised and shocked her.

"I couldn't understand what I was looking at," said the woman, whose identity the newspaper has agreed not to disclose.

It was a work sheet called "Solving Equations using Multiplication and Division!" and it featured a photo of a black man wearing a straw hat, shirt and suspenders, with his mostly toothless mouth wide open. As if to underscore the man's stupidity, at the bottom of the picture was written, "No wai!!!"

The mother learned that her son, the only black student in his eighth-grade pre-algebra class at Lenape Middle School, was teased by another student when the assignment was distributed.

"One of the kids in the classroom turned around and said, 'Is that your father?' " she said.

It's #2 hit when you search Google Images for big mouth.

Another question: Why does the title of this lesson have an exclamation point?

Interview With Asmodeane

Today's interviewee is from Finland. He starts with a disclaimer:

Hi, I am a fairly long time reader (about one year, I'd say) of your blog, my nick is Asmodeane, and while I have not posted more than one or two comments (if at all, actually, might have been some other blog), I decided to answer your questionnaire!

How did you first hear of the J-Walk Blog, and how long have you been reading it?

I think I first stumbled on J-Walk when a friend send me a link to some funny image or video on IRC. The link didn't go to J-Walk, but to some picdump style page, but I started link-hopping and eventually landed here. I left your site in the permanent tab bar.

What's the significance of your screen name?

The name is based on Asmodean, a character in Robert Jordan's epic fantasy cycle called "Wheel of Time". I must have been 15 or so at the time, and added the silent e at the end to differentiate myself from all the other Asmodean fanboys. Only later did I find out that Asmodean was one of the names of Satan, a.k.a. Father of Lies, Lord of the Flies, etc.

Do you read this blog from work or at home? How many times a day?

I only read this blog at home. I have it permanently open in my tabs in Opera, so I basically reload it a few times a day to see if anything interesting happened.

Basic stats:

I'm 29, male, I live in Helsinki, Finland (although was born in the USSR originally), I am co-habiting with my girlfriend, I work for a company that makes plastic cards and equipment to make them. I hate my job, and as soon as I have enough money I will "Sell up and sail".

Send a copy of the weirdest photo of yourself that you can find, and describe what was going on.

I am trying out my new thermal layer, about to go snowboarding. The other image I thought of was one where my friends stole my underwear on our biking trip to Gotland, and I am using a little baggy to hide my family jewels, but that seemed a little too NSFW, so decided against sharing it with the rest of the class.

What other blogs to you follow?

I read Shorpy, Bits and Pieces, Cynical C, What Would Tyler Durden Do, Unreasonable Faith, Pharyngula, Get Rich Slowly, Little Green Footballs, and some others that escape me at the moment.

Least favorite topics covered here?

I guess the Banjo stuff. It's not annoying or anything, mind you, just a little yawny. I also don't really understand your fascination with Sluggo from those comics, what were they... Ah yes, Nancy.

Have you ever spent any time in jail?

I once attended a very rowdy Russian dorm party. The police cars came to the dorm building's yard early on and stayed to monitor the situation. Then someone got the bright idea to throw a beer can at the police. We were quickly evacuated from the premises, and I think I passively resisted arrest by holding on to the railing on the balcony, getting some nightstick for my trouble and a pretty set of handcuffs.

I dropped my glasses in the scuffle and didn't get to pick up my shoes when they took me away, so morning found me on the opposite side of the city with no glasses (i.e. practically blind) and no shoes. No wallet or cell phone either, of course. I got back to the same dorm somehow, and we went on drinking vodka for the next two days. Other than those 8 hours in the drunk tank, no, I have not done any Jail time.

Why don't you play the banjo?

Banjos carry a horrible stigma as a terminally uncool instrument, so that is probably why I never started. It is also something of a rarity in these latitudes and they didn't have them on offer in the music school I went to. Also, I think there is some law against young Jewish boys playing the banjo. They should always be made to play violin by their parents, wear round glasses, and be bullied at school. I played the violin for 8 years, wore round glasses, and you can probably guess the rest.

Longplayer

If you have some time, listen to Longplayer.

Longplayer is a one thousand year long musical composition. It began playing at midnight on the 31st of December 1999, and will continue to play without repetition until the last moment of 2999, at which point it will complete its cycle and begin again. Conceived and composed by Jem Finer, it was originally produced as an Artangel commission, and is now in the care of the Longplayer Trust.

It's really very listenable if you like unobtrusive ambient background music.

Coca-Cola Boost Zones

From an article about Coca-Cola:

et's take the daily 2007 numbers from Global INForM Cases Sales database: The total number of Coca-Cola cans sold per worldwide is 67,873,309. Diet Coke and Coke Zero sold 35,387,241, while My Coke sold 103,260,550. Yes, that's all per day. So using only classic Coca-Cola's daily sales figures, that means 24,773,757,785 are sold every year.

The world population is 6.692 billion, so that works out to only 3.7 cans of Coke per person, per year.

How can they improve that? Well, in the U.S., the key is using Boost Zones.

The company plans to double the number of so-called boost zones from 50 North American locations this year... In these targeted areas, Coca-Cola and its biggest bottler work directly with retailers to make Coke brands more visible on everything from redesigned menus to visors worn by fast-food workers.

Where did the concept of "boost zones" come from?

Coca-Cola Enterprises Inc., brought the boost zone idea from Europe, where the effort started five years ago and has grown to more than 300 districts on the continent and in Brazil. Boost zones surround the Arc de Triomphe in Paris and Windsor Castle west of London.

"Walk around Windsor Castle. It's red," Coca-Cola Enterprises CEO John Brock said at an investor conference in May. "And every account up and down the street, you're going to see, is going to have our brands there."

What kind of results can you expect in a boost zone?

"My business increased 25 percent to 27 percent in the month after Coke did this," said Darrar, 55, wearing a white Coke visor and a red Coke shirt with Hovan embroidered on one breast. "I'm happy to wear their logo if I get that increase."

Some day, the entire world will be a red boost zone. With that 25% increase, the world will be drinking 4.6 cans of Coke per year.

Word Of The Year

One of my favorite times of the year is when they announced the Oxford Word of the Year. The winning word for 2009 is...

Unfriend

unfriend - verb - To remove someone as a ‘friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook. As in, "I decided to unfriend my roommate on Facebook after we had a fight."

Christine Lindberg, Senior Lexicographer for Oxford's US dictionary program sez:

"It has both currency and potential longevity. In the online social networking context, its meaning is understood, so its adoption as a modern verb form makes this an interesting choice for Word of the Year. Most "un-" prefixed words are adjectives (unacceptable, unpleasant), and there are certainly some familiar "un-" verbs (uncap, unpack), but "unfriend" is different from the norm. It assumes a verb sense of "friend" that is really not used (at least not since maybe the 17th century!).

Yeah, right. Two years from now, nobody will be using it because it sounds so stupid.

A Google search for unfriend yields 11.6 million hits. When you eliminate those that also contain Oxford, it drops to 7.72 million.

(Thanks Chris)

Life In Heaven

What people talk about on Sean Hannity's forum: So we go to heaven.

Now what. What do we do when we get there? Do we live in a reality of our own or do we associate with others like we do here? I have not heard much about what people think Heaven is like.

He got some pretty good answers. But most of them sound like they're from children:

• Heaven is the full embrace of our loving God without the sinful desires our flesh now contains.
• I think a lot of our time will be spent worshiping God.
• We don't do anything in heaven...we will live with Christ in our glorified bodies in New Jerusalem...before that...between death and resurrection we're just chillaxin'.
• There are those that do go to heaven according to the bible and they serve as kings and priests with Jesus.
• We will be in God's Glory and having a Godly time, Amen.
• Kicking back, relaxing, enjoying existence, and being served by those that are ruling with Christ and worked so hard here on Earth to earn rewards and jewels in Heaven.
• I picture a warm room, sitting together and fellowshipping and learning and doing. A total lack of lonliness and sorrow. Like the best parts of holidays...doing for others, building one another up, sharing...everyday.

The best answer:

It eventually would just be the same as hell in my opinion, spending an eternity of nothing. Of course, I guess in heaven, you could just press a button that would make you happy or something.

Pig Plays Banjo

Illustration by Jake Blanchard.

Yes, that's a bacon sandwich in that thought balloon.

Captain America Deserves A Hand

The Rock-Paper-Scissors Championship took place in Canada: Captain America Rock Solid.

Tim Conrad -- or Captain America as he's known to friends -- proved that paper beats rock to the tune of $7,000 at the Yahoo! Rock Paper Scissors World Championship in Toronto.

Conrad, a 22-year-old clothing store employee from Taylor, Mich., was one of 512 contestants from around the world putting their rock, paper, scissors skills to the test Saturday night during five hours of gruelling competition at the Steam Whistle Brewery on Bremner Blvd.

"It has been the greatest time of my life. Me and my best friend were in the final together. There is just no better way to play," Conrad said yesterday...

Each year the championship gets bigger, better and more intense, said Doug Walker, co-founder of the World Rock, Paper, Scissors Society. Competitors came from Canada, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, France, Mexico and Norway.

An Honest Canadian

There is at least one honest Canadian. Phillip Cairns writes: I found $120 at an ATM.

As I was leaving the mall tonight after seeing Men Who Stare at Goats, I stopped at a bank machine to deposit some cheques and take out some cash. I found $120 still in the machine. Whoever was there before me must have withdrawn cash from their account, took their receipt but forgot to take the cash. That's my best guess.

I flagged down a mall security guard and showed her the cash still in the machine. She took it, put it in an envelope and told me she would take it to "lost and found."

She may have kept the money for herself. I don't know.

Most people wouldn't take the money because they know the cameras are watching.

By the way, that's just a random ATM. It's not the one where the little angel and devil duked it out on Phillip's shoulders.

Setbacks In Ketchup Dispensing

This will affect some people: Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup.

In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup.

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

"Unlimited access to ketchup is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

What are we, as a nation, doing with our ketchup?

According to representatives from the nation's six largest fast food chains, Americans use more than $18 million worth of ketchup per year, with nearly $7 million of the tomato-based condiment ending up smeared on the backs of chairs, on nearby tables, or in the hair of small children, and in some cases simply spilt in large, repulsive puddles on the floor.

Take a good long look at the ketchup dispenser shown here. You might never see another one.

Faith-Based Comic #7

I like it when I don't even have to Photoshop 'em.

Billy appeared in the next day's strip, and his head wasn't even bandaged. So I think he's alright.

Selling To Captive Audiences

An article about airlines trying to sell stuff to their customers: Airline tests retail sales at 35,000 feet.

Air travelers in the United States are already paying for sandwiches and drinks, pillows and headsets. So, as airlines look for more ways to help their bottom lines, they have started asking the next logical question: Why not sell limousine services or even tickets to Broadway shows?

Other airlines declined to talk on the record about their plans, but nearly all the major carriers acknowledged that they were working on expanding retail offerings.

An American Airlines rep sez:

"We're not going to put anything in front of you that you would say, ‘You got to be kidding.' "

From the SkyMall catalog: A $165 Book Holder.

You got to be kidding!